The Model Family? Esau and Jacob Fight it Out

Rabbi Ed Snitkoff

“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own
way.” Leo Tolstoy in Anna Karenina

“The other night I ate in a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an
argument going.” George Carlin

The Bible teaches us that all families are complicated. Whenever I read the
stories that are the basis of our faith and identity, I marvel at the imperfection
and suffering of our founding mothers and fathers. Adam and Eve are
banished from the Garden and forfeit paradise. The first brothers are
disappointing, one is killed and as a result, the other one becomes a
murderer.
Abraham never settles down in one place and is forced to banish one of his
wives, Hagar, and their son, Ishmael, from his tent. His other son, Isaac,
suffers the trauma of nearly being sacrificed by his father. Isaac brings up twin
sons who are opposites, and they become mortal enemies.
Why do I marvel at these stories? In my mind, these stories are the models for
our lives, and I read in wonder at the Torah in “telling it like it is.” Should we
not expect that our Biblical models be perfect people who live perfect lives in a
perfect world? Why does Scripture go out of its way to tell us the details of
family dysfunction, broken relationships, sibling rivalry and hatred, and
communication breakdowns?
One answer is that these are the stories of OUR lives. We parent children. We
make mistakes. Sometimes we learn from the mistakes, sometimes we do
not. Sometimes we have control of situations, sometimes we do not. This is

the mess of life. Our Bible wants us to understand that these stories are about
us, and that the challenges in our families serve a purpose.
When I was pulpit rabbi and engaged in family counseling for members of my
congregation, it was always my practice to ask about family history:
Grandparents, Relationships, Childhoods, Upbringing. It is possible to learn
about a family from the intergenerational family patterns. In other words, if you
want to understand Jacob and Esau and the eventual struggles between
Jacob’s twelve sons, begin with Abraham.
We learn the good and the not so good from our parents. Isaac’s brother,
Ishmael and his mother, Hagar, are banished by Abraham. Even though we
know that Abraham struggled terribly with this decision, and only makes his
peace with it after God tells him that this is part of the plan, Isaac does not.
The influence of seeing his father make such a clear statement of favoritism
leads Isaac to favor Esau over Jacob without any apparent qualms. We are
not given insight into Rebekah's family to understand how her background
explains her willingness to choose one child over the other. We do know this
parental split leads to the breakdown of Jacob and Esau’s relationship.
Let us look more closely at the text.
"But the children struggled in her womb, and she (Rebekah) said, ”If so,
why do I exist?” She went to inquire of the Lord, and the Lord answered
her:
Two nations are in your womb, Two separate peoples shall issue from
your body, One people shall be mightier than the other, and the older
shall serve the younger." (Genesis 25: 22-23)
The Torah makes it clear that the struggle between these two brothers begins
before they are born. While it seems to be in their “DNA” to wrestle with one
another, the behavior of their parents surely exasperates the struggle. By
each parent favoring one son over the other, the stage is set for generations
of family difficulty and conflict. This pattern of favoring one child over the other,
set by Abraham’s banishing of Ishmael, will be played out many times among
his offspring.